It’s sad when the people that are supposed to care the most about you in life only care for what you can do for them and have fake or relatively little concern for you.
Or when someone cares more about someone who is in jail than someone who works so hard for everything including respect.
It makes me feel like I don’t have anything left to give. It’s always take, take, take. It’s not going and visiting with my grandmother it’s having to spend every waking moment worried about what is going on with her and how she needs my help or doesn’t need my help just wants to control my life and monopoly my time.
I had surgery last week, some very unexpected surgery. I was left in the ER for a while then was moved to a room until the surgeon could get there. My mother instead of waiting for me to have my surgery decided she had to go home and take care of her husband instead of staying at the hospital with me. I had to find out this week on Facebook that my mother and her husband are moving to Italy in the new year. Did I receive a phone call with the advice, no. WTF, I just came back from Italy in early July from a trip with my mother and her husband. The trip was less than terrific, try terrifyingly awful. My mother’s husband can’t even organise a trip or take care of himself. How the hell is he going to take care of her. Did I mention my mother is deaf and doesn’t speak Italian? And that for her to learn Italian it’s going to take a hell of a lot. My mother was the smartest person I knew until five years ago when she got really sick had a stroke and went deaf. Now it’s like she has no common sense. I’m supposed to be asking my mom for advise and support and instead it’s the other way around. It always has been. I don’t think I learned a lot from my mom she didn’t teach me much about life. I’m just finding out what not to do now that she has no idea what she is doing.
I came out to half of my family a few weeks ago. Yes, I’m gay there. Not very hard to figure out, even though I’m not a girl who pretends to be a dude and I’m not really down with rainbow stickers or flags. I think those are just not for me. My mother is in denial, she is keeping my options open for me. Like one day I’m going to meet some amazing guy and he is going to turn me straight and I’m going to pop out the grand kids for her. I think not. I also told my overbearing grandmother. That did not go so well. When she isn’t arguing with me or telling me that I shouldn’t tell anyone and how could I have told my friends aren’t I ashamed, she is picking at my about why I’m not happy. Well how about for starters my year so far has sucked. Only one good thing has come out of 2009 for me so far. I graduated from college. Yay me. What not so great things have happened? For starters my sister and three of her friends broke into my house the week before finals and stole all of the stuff she knew I had worked for. My DVDs, video games, consoles, speakers, computers, cameras, you name it she took it. Now she is in jail and my insurance company is treating me like I am the criminal because I owned so many DVDs. I had to testify against my sister in court, not that I wasn’t willing to but still it sucked. I had a awful trip to Italy. I have been in love with the same girl for years, she has told me so many times how much she liked me and yes in a sexual relationship type of way and when I finally ask her out to date me she goes all “I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship” and breaks my fragile little heart into a thousand pieces. I was supposed to celebrate my birthday with my family, that never happened, when I went to lunch with my mother and grandmother for my birthday it turned into one of those well your gay type of fights. I had a mental breakdown in San Diego practically and couldn’t deal with myself and came home early (left over emotions from the girl broken heart thing). And then to top it all off I had this wonderfully painful unexpected surgery which is still making me feel like crap. The good news from the surgery is I don’t have cancer but probably can’t have kids. Which I can deal with, I mean I want kids but I know I don’t physically have to have them myself, there is always adoption. I’m cool with that. Adopted myself so not a biggie.
I went to dinner tonight with my dad, step-mom, two stepbrothers, a stepbrothers girlfriend, and three cousins I don’t even know. I invited my friend E to come with since we had movie tickets after the dinner and it just made more sense that way. Also E and I left the dinner she asked me why I am/was so uncomfortable around my own family. At first I brushed the question off but then I thought about it and she’s right. I am not just uncomfortable around my family I am super uncomfortable around my family, I just don’t feel like I belong. With my dad he always makes it sound like it’s his family, not our family. He’s always saying “My father” not grandpa or your grandfather. It’s like since I’m adopted I’m not really his kid and his family is separate from me and him being father and daughter. I always feel like it’s “Hi, this is my adopted daughter…”. I don’t know if I feel overly self conscious or what around them I just don’t feel like me or am never truly myself. Now I don’t know and I don’t really think this has anything to do with me being gay although I haven’t told my dad or step-mom yet. Maybe they’ve noticed. But I doubt it, they still haven’t noticed my new tattoo I got a few days before my birthday. I mean it is big, black and on my forearm, you think they would have noticed and said something by now. But I guess that’s expecting them to pay too much attention.
It’s not like I’m looking for my family to swoon around me and tell me I’m the best thing in the world or the best daughter or whatever. I would just like some recognition sometimes. Or better yet I’d just like to know that they care, because a lot of the time I can’t tell.
I’ve spend the good part of tonight since I came home crying sitting here in pain from whatever is causing me to hurt so bad and just thinking everything was so much better when my aunt was here. Dealing with my grandmother was so much easier. My aunt Gwen was the buffer between my grandmother and I. Now she isn’t here and things aren’t right, aren’t the same. I know people don’t last forever and nothing stays the same but everything has become so much harder since she died last year. I can’t replace her even though my grandmother trys to have me in her grips just like my aunt. I can’t do it anymore. It’s making me feel like I’m letting everything in my life slip away from me because I’m so worried about what is going to happen to my grandmother. And I feel bad, I feel bad if I say no or I can’t do something. I feel bad when I don’t talk to her at night even though she bothers the hell out of me. And I don’t know what I’m going to do that one day when she isn’t here anymore. Because even though I complain about her or fight with her she is really the only person in my family that cares if I get up in the morning, that cares if I am healthy and that cares what I do with my life. I know she wants me to be happy and I know she doesn’t agree with my choices or my lifestyle but I know that she cares about me. There is going to be a day when I show up at her house with my girlfriend and she is just going to have to deal with it.
What else is on my mind can there really be anymore? Tons, this is what I think about all the time every day every moment, me being left alone with my thoughts too long make me depressed and sad. I’m bipolar (manic-depressive) I get those high-highs and the low-lows. And right now I feel myself falling into those low-lows. My sister is in jail she has a daughter and a husband. I love my brother in-law, he is a great guy and means well. But my niece needs more structure and a real home. She starts kindergarten this year and I am so afraid for her. She is going to have such a hard time. And I’m afraid one day not too long from now my brother in-law may not be around to take care of her. No fault of his own, maybe from a health concern but then what? Where will my niece go? Will I have to be mommy? I’m so scared that I’m going to have adopt my niece and she is going to hate me because I am not here real mom or dad. It scares that crap out of me, not that I don’t think I could do it, I can and will do whatever I have to for her but I’m scared she will never understand what has and is going on with her family. It scares me to think of how she may be or act out as a teenager. I just hope I can help her not to be like my sister or like parts of my brother in-law in a sense.
